Jedi Guy
by GaisciochDeEirinn
Summary: An AU look at what Anakin and Padme’s family would be like if they played the roles of Family Guy characters. Padmecentric and surprisingly dull. Obidala in Chapter 3.
1. Chapter 1

Jedi Guy

**So I've always wanted to do a Padme-centric story. And here it is.**

**Summary: An AU look at what Anakin and Padme's family would be like if they played the roles of Family Guy characters. Surprisingly dull.**

**Rating: M, for adult situations.**

Opening Theme:

_Padme: It seems today, that all you see, is Dooku in the movies, and Grievous on TV._

_Anakin: But where are those good old Jedi values, on which we used to rely?_

_All: Lucky there's a Jedi guy, lucky there's a Knight who, positively can do, all the things that make us-_

_Baby Palpatine: Laugh and cry!_

_All: He's- a- Je- di- guy!_

"Padme!" Anakin's yell penetrated the halls of the Skywalker apartment on Coruscant. He was sitting, half-dressed, on their downstairs couch watching Star Broke Trek Back Mountain- the movie with gay Klingon cowboys. The person he had been yelling at walked in- his beautiful wife Padme, wearing her Senatorial robes, her hair pinned up so that it dwarfed her head, and fiddling with a pair of ridiculously large and bejeweled earrings. She was rather hassled today, and frankly tired of Jar Jar's antics, whom she had just gotten off the holophone with. "Yes, honey? I'm late for a congressional meeting so-"

"Hey, would you mind watching the kids? I'm going to Watto's."

There it was. Padme knew something like this had to happen as she was heading out the door. She waved her hands, dropping them to her thighs in an exasperated gesture. "Anakin, you know I have work today. Can you at least put off drinking with your bar friends until the weekend?"

Anakin sighed in turn, drawing his lightsaber. "All right, all right, I'll kill the younglings. Sheesh, when did being a father get so complicated?" Padme smacked him across the cheek. "Can you _please_ just stay and supervise them? For me?" She put a hand on his shoulder, smiling pleadingly. Just do this one thing for me Anakin, please.

Anakin threw up his hands. "All right, fine. Heh. You know I spoil you."

Suddenly Mace Windu (not playing the role of Cleveland, surprisingly. What, just because he's black, he has to be cast in a black role? Racist bastards.) ran up to the Skywalkers' open door, panting. "Hey Anakin, the Galactic Fair's in town for one night only, you in?" he asked excitedly.

"Freakin' sweet, I am so in. Hey, see ya later Padme", Anakin said, heading out the door.

"Anakin, wait-" Padme started, but he was already gone. She sighed. "Dammit."

Meanwhile, Palpatine, playing the role of Stewie, was upstairs drawing up sinister plans for world domination. "Yes, that will do nicely. And when my minions enter the Jedi Temple, they shall take Yoda hostage! It's brilliant! What say you to that, Rupert?"

The Ewok just stood there, beady little eyes blinking. Baby Palpatine Skywalker sighed. "You're right Rupert. What's the use? What good are all these ray guns and minions to me, if I can't pass on my genetics? Hmm. Genetics. Wait." A smile slowly dawned on his face. "That's it! A clone army! War shall break loose in the galaxy once more, and when it does Rupert, Victory Shall be Mine..."

* * *

About a quarter past midnight, Peter burst into the Skywalker residence. "Honey, I'm -hic- home, he he he he he..."

Padme stormed in to the living room. The look on her face could have killed. "I hope you're happy Anakin. I had to miss an important vote because I was stuck here taking care of our children." She was tired of it all. She never got even one small break, because of this drunken ball-and-chain! She just wanted to get away, stay at a friend's, get away from it all. "I'll be lucky if the Queen doesn't fire me! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Anakin just stood there, swaying. "Boooorrring, let's see what else is on." Then he careened to the floor. Padme had never been more unattracted to her husband, and right now was the time to have that break she wanted.

"Goodbye, Anakin."

* * *

Anakin awoke several hours later in a daze. "Oh man. That must have been one hell of a Sexy Party with the Handmaidens last night."

Chewbacca (playing the role of Brian) walked in, a martini in his large, furry hand. "Chrowwwl urghhnn, grnnn hnghn? Mrrrnnn hrnn grrr ngghh."

Anakin, looked up from the floor, squinting. "Dude, I can't understand a word you're saying right now."

Chewie cleared his throat. "Ahem, hmm, sorry. What I meant to say was: Padme stormed out on you last night. She left you this note."

He handed a hastily scrawled note on a yellow post-it to Anakin. The Jedi read it aloud: "Anakin, I've gone to live with Obi-Wan. Come talk to me when you've decided to be more responsible and take charge of the things that need doing."

"Ah crap."

**A/N: You'll never guess who Obi-Wan is...**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Padme strode up the steps to Obi-Wan Kenobi's apartment within the upper halls of the Jedi Temple and pressed the doorbell. There was no hesitation; the thought of her husband had been grinding on her frazzled nerves all the way to the Temple. She needed this break. Obi-Wan answered the door. He was bare-chested and had a golden fuzzy leopard-skin towel wrapped around his waist; his hair was sopping wet.

"Why, hello Padme. Oh, silly me, I'm not even dressed properly." He disappeared behind the half-open door and came back completely naked. "Heh, heh, all right."

Padme spoke as if Obi-Wan was not in fact naked right down to the obscene tattoo in the middle of his bare thigh (A "birthday present" from Asajj Ventress... oh yeah). "Obi-Wan, please, I need to stay at your place for awhile. Anakin and I have been... well frankly he's a drunken, thoughtless asshole, and I just need a break from everything for awhile. I promise I won't be much of a bother."

Obi-Wan gaped. I'd use a cliche for when people gape, but frankly they're so overdone. So he just stood there motionless, steam from the shower flowing through the air out into the hallway until he came to his senses.

"Uh, dun, I, ah, well off course you can stay Padme! Just hang on one sec-"

"Mmm, hey Obi-Wan. Who're you talking to?"

An orange haired woman sidled up to Obi-Wan and put her arms around his broad shoulders, tossing her wet hair back. She, too, was naked from top to bottom. Her voice had a kind of nasal quality.

Padme reddened, flustered to have disturbed the couple. "Oh, uh, sorry, you have company... I wouldn't want to, err, impose-"

"Oh, no, no, you come right in and get comfortable. Lois, get out of here."

"But-"

"Not now, just, just go."

The woman went back inside. "Well come on in, Padme!"

Padme entered Obi-Wan's apartment, glad to be in some place other than her own home... the thought of her husband was making her ill at the moment. It was just infuriating how little he seemed to care. "Oh, thank you Obi-Wan. You don't know how grateful I am." Relaxing her tense muscles, she flopped down on Obi-Wan's couch. The Jedi Master shut the apartment door behind her. Padme yelled from the other room.

"Obi-Wan? Would you mind massaging my shoulders? They're kind of tense."

"Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy..."

* * *

"Holy crap, Padme has been captured by General Grievous and he's holding her hostage!" Anakin exclaimed.

Chewie raised an eyebrow at him. "But Anakin, the note says that-"

Anakin's voice changed to an impression of what he thought was a "noble" voice.

"Not now Chewie, there's to much at stake. I must rescue my dear family, Padme and Luke and Palpatine and... hmmmm... I want to say... I want to say Meg...?"

"Leia."

"Oh yeah, her. Anyway, I must rescue them from the clutches of General Grievous before he can carry out his evil plans. Now, I just need a daring sidekick, someone who will wear revealing spandex uniforms and shout dated expletory catchphrases. Hmmm..." Anakin looked around at Chewie, who started to back against the wall.

"Holy cow Ana-...God I hate you so much."

* * *

Palpatine Skywalker stood and regarded the infant before him. Covered in slime and naked, the baby stood in the middle of Palpatine's room, eyes alight with a mean intelligence.

Palpatine spoke softly. "Do you know how the Clone Army came into being? They were genetically part of me, once. Taken by the Kaminoan cloners. Altered, manipulated... and now, perfected. My fighting clone army. Whom do you serve?"

The clone spoke in a guttural rasp.

"Palpatine!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Anakin and Chewie summoned a taxi to take them to the Jedi Temple, where they activated the unlit hangar's systems. They each jumped into and powered up a streamlined Jedi starfighter. As they blasted out of the Jedi hangar, a couple of protocol droids in the air traffic center were taken by surprise.

"Hey! Did those two have clearance to leave?"

Instead of answering, the other droid aimed a random blaster at the other machine, and fired. The first robot looked at the gaping hole in its torso, then shot the second with another blaster. Both droid crumpled to the floor, systems shut down. Then the droid supervisor came in.

"What the f-"

The first droid shot the supervisor in the arm, who recovered long enough to fire back. The second droid woke up and shot the supervisor as well. The first droid then shot the second droid and all three of them died in the control room. The janitor came in.

"Oh dear God-"

The supervisor attempted to shoot the janitor, but the man was too quick and shot the supervisor dead. The first droid blasted the janitor, and, as the janitor collapsed, he shot the droid that shot him.

_Some time later..._

Two officers of the CSF searched through the mess of circuits and blood on the floor of the dim traffic control chamber. One of the officers came across a small note scrawled in hasty letters.

"Hey Bob, look at this." He began reading. "'Dear V-2U0, this is how I believe I am going to die. You will shoot me, and I will be left alive enough to shoot you as well. Then our supervisor will come in and we will both shoot him. Then the janitor will come in and the supervisor will attempt to shoot him. The janitor will shoot the supervisor and I will shoot the janitor. Finally two police officers will shoot each other.' Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever re-"

The officer that remained silent suddenly pulled a blaster on the first officer and shot him. The first policeman was surprised, but also managed to shoot the other. They both died there, on the ground.

* * *

Palpatine Skywalker surveyed the mass of ranked troops before him as he spoke words of war and conquest. Each soldier bore a powerful-looking plasma gun and sidearm, and each, underneath the T-shaped visor of his white helmet, bore the visage of the man speaking to them.

"Something something something dark side. Something something something complete".

* * *

Obi-Wan sat across from Padme in his spacious Jedi apartment. The two of them were sipping champagne together and talking about old times. Obi-Wan paused, pensive.

"Padme, what does your cum taste like?"

"_What_?"

"I mean, err, ah- so what made you come over here, you know, leave Anakin?"

"Oh, I'm not leaving him, Obi-Wan. I told you... I needed to get away from him. You're right, though. I probably should leave him. But I can't. I know there's still good in him."

"There's good in me too, Padme."

Padme laughed slightly. "Obi-Wan. You're such a joker."

"Padme I love you."

The senator started, then involuntarily breathed in, a small gasp. No, no, this was not happening. Not from the one person she thought would support her. "I can't... you shouldn't feel that way... oh, you shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I can't return your feelings."

But Obi-Wan was not to be thrown off. "You're afraid of change, Padme, it's your nature. But you shouldn't be." The Jedi Master rose off the couch, placing his glass of champagne on the table between them. "Anakin was never the right one for you. Do you remember when we first met, all those years ago during the Trade Federation crisis? I fell in love with you and I know, I just know, that you felt something back. What happened to you, darling Naberrie? Why did you settle for mediocrity?"

_George Lucas: Good, good. The circle of craptacular forbidden love dialogue is complete._

Padme rose in turn. "Oh, Obi-Wan, that was so long ago, you can't expect me to still hold those feelings!"

"Why couldn't you find them in yourself again?"

"Because-"

"I may be a horny fool, Padme, but I know when someone's denying themselves satisfaction."

"Obi-Wan, this has gone far enough!" Padme said, a little more sternly.

"Has it, Padme? Or has it not gone too far enough?"

"Wait, what?" Padme felt him close to her, even though they did not touch.

Obi-Wan moved even closer to the lovely woman before him. "Do you really think that Anakin appreciates you? You deserve better, Padme." She shook her head, torn between loyalty and her need of change, fearing it and wanting it all at once.

"No. What you're saying... can't be true. It can't..."

The Jedi smiled at her naivety. "You don't need to put on such a strong, independent mask all the time, Padme."

Padme looked down to the floor, fighting her desire, but losing. Obi-Wan was close to her now, so close. _Closer. I desire closeness._

"Obi-Wan?"

"Yes." Their voices quieted to whispers.

"If I love you, will you be true to me?"

**A/N: Woah. I can't believe that scene degraded into non-comedic Obidala romance. Actually, this is my first time writing romance in a story, so con-crit would be appreciated. Also, see if you can guess to what I am referring when Obi-Wan asks Padme what her cum tastes like.**


End file.
